Paranoia

Once I was alone
Without dreams, friends or escape
I sat
And tried to see myself, as others
 See me.
I tried to find myself, so they
Could find me.
I tried to help myself, so they
Could help me.
Bruises reveal my struggle to keep sane
As I thought
Along that lonely hour;
Until my final effort to be free
Involved me in dread
And agony.

To accommodate my frightening situation
I brushed cobwebs from my deepest thoughts.
They now lay before me.

I saw, gradually
That I was empty.
My words had become objects
Which, after use I discarded;
My mind had become an empty shell.

I had destroyed the happiness of others
And I knew
In this lonely hour
They would destroy me.

Hope was my only chance
Thoughts were my suicide
And the hour
Stretched before me.

Dead fantasies crawled up me
And I called for help;
But I had been deaf to their warnings
They could not hear me.

I was alone.

Shattered and frightened
With no hope of escape
My very being, folded like a fan
And withdrew
Into an horrific world.

I was in a lonely prison of agonized despair
And the goodness
In my soul
Did not know I was there.

I waited silently
For my friends to come and free me
But I knew
No-one could see me
I knew I had to walk this dreaded path, alone.

I had become a thing;
A stone, with no humanity
And, because I had refused to forgive others
They now refused
To forgive me.

I had shown no love to them
So they could not
Love me.
I had cursed those who tried to help me’
They now cursed me.

Reality was my only chance
To be free;
But when I cried out to her
She did not answer me.

I was utterly alone
Imprisoned in a living tomb
Would nobody help me?

The hour in which I had walked
Was slipping by.